At Wilder Intimacy, we’re all about taking deep, academic research on sex and relationships and breaking it down into bite-sized, real-world wisdom you can actually use. Today’s spotlight is on a study by Dr. Lori Brotto and Dr. Maureen Yule, which explores what gets in the way of people (especially women) having the most satisfying sex of their lives—and how we can fix that.
If you want to be a nerd like us and read the work yourself, you can find a copy of it here: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10903695/pdf/WIJS_33_1965689.pdf
The Pleasure Gap: Why Sex Is More Fun for Men (But Doesn’t Have to Be)
Let’s get straight to it: There’s a "pleasure gap" among straight folks. Statistically, men are way more likely to orgasm than women during partnered sex. Not because men are biologically superior orgasm machines, but because the way we think about sex is still stuck in the dark ages—prioritizing penetration over, you know, actual pleasure. Research shows that women orgasm more reliably from oral sex and direct clitoral stimulation, yet straight couples continue to act like missionary is the holy grail of erotic fulfillment. (Spoiler: It’s not.)
Brotto and Yule’s research highlights how cultural conditioning and bad sex education reinforce this nonsense. Women are often taught that their sexual needs are secondary, while men are pressured to perform instead of actually connecting with their partners. The result? A lot of people having sex that’s way less satisfying than it could be.
But wait—there’s more. The pleasure gap isn’t just about orgasms. It’s about the broader experience of sex, the level of desire, comfort, and emotional connection that make intimacy enjoyable. Many women report feeling disconnected from their own pleasure, thanks to years of internalized shame, a lack of understanding of their own bodies, and partners who were never taught how to ask (or care) about their needs. Meanwhile, men can struggle with performance anxiety, feeling like their worth is tied to how well they "deliver" in bed rather than how much mutual pleasure is actually happening.
Even language reinforces these inequalities. We talk about "foreplay" like it’s just a warm-up act instead of a crucial part of sex. We use phrases like "giving" oral sex, as if pleasure is a favor rather than a shared experience. And don’t even get me started on how little most people know about the clitoris—it’s literally designed for pleasure, yet it’s still an afterthought in way too many bedrooms.
The bottom line? It’s not just about doing more of the right things—it’s about completely rethinking the way we approach sex and pleasure. Until we make female pleasure just as important as male pleasure, the gap isn’t going anywhere.
Understanding the Biopsychosocial Model (or, Why It’s Not Just in Your Head)
Sex isn’t just about what’s happening between your legs—it’s about what’s happening in your brain, your emotions, and your environment. That’s where the biopsychosocial model comes in. It looks at three major factors shaping your sex life:
- Biological Factors: Hormones, nerves, blood flow—yes, these things matter. But biology alone doesn’t dictate how good (or bad) sex is. Your body is just one piece of the puzzle. Everything from sleep to diet to how you breathe during sex can affect pleasure. Sexual health isn’t just about whether things "work"—it’s about how your body responds to touch, arousal, and connection over time.
- Psychological Factors: Anxiety, body image, past trauma—what’s happening in your head plays a massive role in how you experience pleasure. Confidence and communication are just as important as technique. If you’re distracted, self-conscious, or worrying about what your partner is thinking, it’s going to be a lot harder to let go and enjoy yourself. Plus, sexual shame or negative past experiences can create invisible roadblocks that keep you from fully embracing pleasure.
- Social Factors: The messages we get about sex—from movies, religion, and crappy advice columns—shape what we expect in the bedroom. If you were raised to believe that “good girls” don’t enjoy sex or that “real men” should always be in control, those scripts are probably messing with your pleasure. Add in gender roles, cultural expectations, and the misinformation that dominates mainstream sex education, and you’ve got a whole cocktail of influences that can either expand or limit your ability to have great sex. Learning to challenge these ideas and rewrite your own script is key to unlocking a more fulfilling, shame-free sex life.
Applying This to Real-Life Sex (aka, How to Make It Better)
Want to close the pleasure gap? It starts with rewriting the script. That means:
- Prioritizing pleasure over performance. Stop treating orgasm as the finish line and focus on what actually feels good for both partners. Shift the focus to presence, sensation, and exploration instead of rushing to a predictable conclusion. Experiment with different types of touch, pacing, and environments that foster deeper pleasure.
- Having honest conversations. If you can’t talk about sex, you’re probably not having great sex. Normalize discussing desires, boundaries, and what gets you off. Make communication sexy—turning curiosity into foreplay and ensuring both partners feel safe expressing their needs without judgment.
- Rethinking "normal." The best sex isn’t about following a formula—it’s about figuring out what works for you. Forget outdated "shoulds" and embrace what actually turns you on, whether that means breaking free from old scripts, exploring new dynamics, or redefining intimacy on your own terms. Keep learning, stay open-minded, and never stop evolving.
Work With Kristin to Level Up Your Sex Life
What does all this mean? It means you need to take a look at pleasure in a whole (see what I did there?) new way! If you’re ready to go from "meh" to mind-blowing in your sex life, Kristin at www.wilderintimacy.com can help. She’s a trauma-informed, sex-positive coach with deep expertise in Attachment Theory, the Wheel of Consent, the Erotic Blueprints, Kink and D/s dynamics, consensual non-monogamy, and more. Her approach is rooted in practical, real-world strategies that help clients move beyond theory and into deeply embodied pleasure.
Kristin doesn’t just hand out generic advice—she gets to the heart of what’s holding you back, whether it’s past trauma, social conditioning, or unresolved relationship dynamics. She provides tailored coaching that helps you reconnect with your desires, build confidence in expressing your needs, and cultivate intimacy that feels natural, exciting, and fulfilling.
Whether you’re navigating shame, communication roadblocks, or just want hotter, more connected sex, Kristin offers a space where you can explore, learn, and grow. She helps clients break through barriers, shift unhelpful patterns, and claim the pleasure they deserve—without guilt, hesitation, or apology.
Book a session today—because life’s too short for mediocre sex, and the pleasure you crave is absolutely within reach.
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